Since I have MS, things feel different than before. I feel it when I play the piano. My left hand doesn’t move naturally. Things have changed in how it works, which is not surprising, as I have been paralysed on the left side of my body for a couple of weeks. But it still feels odd, that feel my hand moving slowly, but that it isn’t audible in my playing. I struggle to make my fingers do what I want, but that struggle isn’t audible. The friend I usually play with, who is a piano teacher, tells me she can see it doesn’t come naturally to me anymore, but that she can’t hear it. My playing sounds as if there is no problem. That is great, of course, but it makes me feel insecure. Can I still trust myself? Is it just my imagination playing tricks on me when it feels like a struggle to find the right key and to press the right key with the right amount of pressure, and meanwhile keep an eye on the score? I just keep on playing, because I love music, and I improve myself in the long run. I keep on playing because my struggle with my left hand isn’t audible, and maybe those feelings of insecurity about that disappear when I ignore them.
2017